⟐ 21 jan 19

back to the order

it's been awhile since my last blog post. i didn't even post it to twitter like i usually do, it wasn't very long and since it was at the airport it was more of just a quick burst of thought. i had a great time in new jersey with nicole. i saw a lot of her family for the holidays and we spent a lot of chill time together. she got a nintendo switch and we played stardew valley together, as well as plenty of smash bros with her and her brother. we didn't go out and like snowboard or visit the beach like we did during other visits but we ate plenty of good food and spent a lot of time together so i was fine with that. it was kinda cold anyway, and everything in her town is like 20+ mins away with all the trees. it was sad to leave but i think i'll go and see her again for spring break.

i'm optimistic about this semester of school since i've got an intro to python class that'll be nice to actually get into with. i wrote my first program on my own today converting us dollars to japanese yen. i put on some ambient noise while i coded and it was pretty relaxing. even though the program isn't very complex it was still mentally stimulating to interact with a new language. i'm hoping that since we have students in the class already proficient with the language that i can learn from them and we can move at a faster pace and cover more material. we only have a 14 week course because of off days.

my economics teacher has had a pretty rough time getting the class to interact with him. he's resorted to making examples out of marijuana to even get a chuckle out of anyone. i don't blame him for trying, just isn't easy to get people talking at 10 am. i try to humor the guy just so he doesn't feel ignored but then i'm subjected to repeated questions and attention which tends to get my anxiety going. i'm hoping to actually learn things in that economics class. it seems like the guy is pretty well versed on current events from his insistence on bringing them up during lecture so perhaps i can engage with him. i've got tomorrow off of school so no python til next week.

i went to a local smash tournament last week and despite thinking i was hot shit i was put in my place by a rob and lucina getting 0-2 each game. i've been practicing more online and trying to learn from my mistakes. also reviewing footage of me playing and editing it helps with identifying mistakes and habits of mine. i've been playing with young link and zelda primarily, mostly because i like the legend of zelda as a series. in past games i've played all different kinds of characters, but this game has the zelda series really well represented to me. i wasn't a huge fan of skyward sword or twilight princess link from wii u and brawl respectively and toon link is cool but also not like my preferred version of link. but the majora's mask/ocarina young link alongside the link to the past/link between worlds zelda are great representations of my favorite parts of the zelda series.

i bought a small hd television that i'm using as a monitor for my computer/game consoles now at my desk. nicole also bought me a nice desk chair thats super comfortable. now its super easy to hook up my capture card to my ps4 and switch. before i had to do a rly complicated rig up with an HDMI to vga adapter that required external power. I've minimized the amount of wires at my desk and use my macbook pro as my desktop computer by just closing it and putting the HDMI in. alongside a usb hub i got off amazon to put more peripherals into the computer ive basically got everything i need to maximize productivity this semester. there's a lot of things i want to do that i didnt rly have the patience for with my old chair and the amount of effort that went into setting up my computer and consoles.

recently i feel like i've finally grown out of my egocentrism that i indulged so heavily in when i was younger. before i had this idea that everything was about me and that my actions had to be interpreted through the lens of what other people thought of me. now i've come closer to reality where people aren't always paying attention to everything i do. sometimes i feel like my ability to daydream has disappeared. however, with more critical thought its evident that the delusions of grandeur i would have when i was younger were a coping method to deal with social interactions. viewing the whole world as a narrative with you as a protagonist makes it very easily for you to antagonize people you disagree with rather than accepting that everyone is a self aware conscious being and not just a pawn in your reality. once i let go of this fable that puts me at the center of the universe it relieves me of a lot of anxiety and makes my mind feel a lot more clear. in a lot of ways, moving away from missouri and people was the best thing for me. i may have significantly less social interaction now but i'm not destructive or excessive like i used to be.

i'm overall very happy right now with my life.